Forever Isn't As Long As It Seems
by Peyt fan 4ever
Summary: "I learned since her death not to worry about the 'what-ifs' because they won't get you anywhere. You can't turn back time, and you can't rewrite the past. You're given one life and what you do with it is your choice." Dawsey. Very A/U. Post Season 2 Finale.


**Dawsey one-shot. Casey's feelings if Dawson had been the one they lost that day when the building exploded. **

**Please leave me a review to let me know what you think! **

**Warning: Grab your tissues. **

She was gone.

She was gone and the pain in my chest from losing her wouldn't go away. Maybe it never would.

She was such a vital piece of the puzzle. Of my puzzle. She was my world. My everything. And she was gone.

I remember running down the stairs of that destroyed building. Chief's words ringing in my head, he hadn't heard from Shay or Dawson. Their whereabouts unknown.

I had taken those steps two at a time, needing to see her. Needing to make sure she was okay.

I remembered stopping at the bottom of the stairs. The wind knocked out of me when the scene in front of me registered in my mind.

Shay leaning over her, pounding compressions into her chest. The blood. The blood coming from her head. How could such a small person have so much blood?

The images still haunted me. Flashing through my mind and making me sick to my stomach.

I had ran to Shay, wanting to help, needing to help. Needing her to live. To stay with me.

All I can think about is puffing air into her, my mouth against those lips that were so cold. Pounding compressions into her chest, begging her to breathe. To take a breath. To stay with me.

_Why couldn't she have just stayed with me?_

Shay was crying. Her voice frantic, but stoic at the same time. Both of us knew. We knew she was gone, and all our air and compressions was only prolonging the inventible.

The guys had pulled her away. Almost having to wrestle me off of her. Staying in that building, I could still hold onto hope. I could stay in my little world that she was going to wake up, that Shay and I just needed to keep going. Compressions, breathe. She would wake up. I knew the minute they pulled her from the ground, the guys all carrying her out, I knew she was gone.

The paramedics were either going to pronounce her DOA or the hospital would. Either way she was gone. And there was nothing I could do.

How was it possible that I had proposed to her less than an hour ago? Less than an hour ago the future was so bright, so full of happiness. Now I couldn't see myself making it through to the next day. To the next hour.

She was gone and I was here and nothing made sense. Nothing would ever make sense without her.

When I made my way out of the building Rafferty and her new partner were working on Gabby. Compressions being pounded into her chest. They pushed her into the ambulance and I jumped in before either of them could tell me no. It would have been futile. I wasn't leaving her side. Not ever.

Rafferty was in the back and Shay was at my side, jumping in as well, and not taking no for an answer. She and Rafferty worked on Gabby and I sat there clutching her hand. Not letting go. Never letting go. We all knew she was gone, and only a miracle was bringing her back, but no one called it. No one could bring themselves to do it. I think Rafferty had wanted to at one point, but the stern look from Shay stopped her, and she continued on with the bag, breathing for her.

I cried and I clutched at her small hand, begging her to stay. Kissing her hand as if that would help. It wouldn't.

It didn't.

When the doctors went to pull her away as we entered the ER I couldn't let go. I knew when they took her away that when they came back it would all be true.

Chief and Severide had to force me away and I pushed them away roughly before falling against the wall. Sliding down and resting my head in my hands. Sobs racked my body. This couldn't be it.

The guys all filed in not long after and the waiting room was full. Everyone had tears in their eyes, some had them falling down their face. Quite sniffles filled the tense air, Shay's sobs into Severide's shoulder breaking through every few minutes. She was desperately trying to contain them. I knew it was for my benefit. She was a paramedic, she knew better than anyone what Gabby's condition had been. She, just like me, knew that she was gone.

When the doctors came into the room to confirm what I already knew, it didn't make it any easier. It was so familiar.

Pounding compressions into the girl I loved. Begging her to stay with me. She didn't listen, just like Hallie hadn't.

But I couldn't think of Hallie right now. Because what Hallie and I had, it was special, but it didn't hold a torch to the love I felt for Gabby. Maybe it was because Hallie and I had just gotten back together a few days before she died, or maybe it was because Gabby and I had so little time together, neither of us getting it together at the right time before we had finally made it, but this loss stung more.

Much more.

I didn't know which way was up. I didn't want to live another day without her. I didn't know how to get past this.

We were supposed to have a lifetime together. We were supposed to have always. Where do you go when always falls short? How do you move on?

My head fell to my hands and I couldn't stop the tears or the sobs that racked through me. They were coming fast and hard. Waves of emotions hitting me. Our lives flashing through my mind.

The life that we were supposed to have filled my mind.

We would never get married. I would never get to put that ring on her finger. She would never get the big wedding that she had told me she wanted some day, we had only been friends at the time, but I never forgot it. And I had always vowed to myself to make sure she got the big beautiful wedding she wanted. Kids. Dawson would never be a mother. She would never get to be pregnant and give birth to a beautiful baby. To our baby.

She would have been the best mom any kid could ever ask for.

I'll never get to call her my wife. I'll never get another I love you. Another kiss. Another quickie in my office, or the showers. I'd never get to hold her in my arms again.

I would never see Gabriella Dawson again.

That thought had the tears falling faster, the sobs practically choking me.

Shay fell to her knees beside me on the floor and we both held onto each other like we were all the other had left in the world. Maybe it was. Gabby was our light. She was such a ray of sunshine_. Our ray of sunshine. _

The doctor went to leave and I stopped him.

I needed to see her.

I needed to say goodbye, she deserved that much from me.

She was pale. So pale. That caramel skin that I loved so much was gone. Replaced with a ghostly white color that didn't suit her. Her eyes were closed and I desperately wished to see those big brown orbs that I had fallen so madly in love with.

It didn't feel real. I didn't want it to be real.

The clock on the wall read 5 in the afternoon. We had gotten the call at 3:26p.m. One hour. One hour and thirty-four minutes later. That was all it took.

That was all it took for my world to slip out from under me.

I held her hand and I talked to her. I thought about her last moments, how scared she must have been, and I wandered when she went. How much had she heard? Could she hear Shay and I begging her to stay in that old warehouse. Could she hear me in the ambo? Could she hear me now, in some parallel universe was she here? Listening to me.

I hoped so.

That thought was comforting, thinking that she was there watching over me.

My tears fell down my face and onto hers when I kissed her goodbye.

As cliché as it sounds she had always been my favorite hello, and she was, without a doubt my hardest goodbye.

Shay and Kelly worried about me. I stayed with them that night, and many nights following. I couldn't go home. I couldn't go back to the place that we had started to build our lives in. The place that held so many memories. Because even the thought of going there made me think about all the memories that would never be made there again with her.

I didn't know how I was going to move on from this. It was like my world had been in color when I was around her and it was switched to black and white now that she was gone.

The day of her funeral came and I was a wreck. It was the usual line of duty death, full honors. The amount of people that showed up was overwhelming, all offering their condolences.

I took it, but it all felt wrong. She shouldn't be gone. She should be here. There shouldn't be a funeral. We should be at the firehouse flirting and not caring how sick it made the guys, or how many jokes were cracked on our behalf. Or at Molly's drinking and dancing the night away with our 51 family. We should be celebrating our engagement and shouting our love from the rooftops.

None of this was right, none of it was fair.

It was a closed casket, and when my time came to say goodbye I knew all eyes were on me.

I reached a shaky hand out and rest it on the casket. It was big and I knew that her small frame was placed inside. I told myself I wasn't going to let this be my breaking point. That I was going to get through this and be strong for everyone. That I would go home and let it out there.

None of that happened. I rest my hand on the casket and I broke. A sob escaped my lips and I fell to my knees. They buckled as if they couldn't hold the weight anymore. My other hand came to rest on the casket as my forehead fell to it as well. Leaning against it for dear life. Harsh tears ran down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry baby." I whispered over and over.

I had called her in there. _There's a victim on the first floor, possible spinal injury._ I should have brought him out, or stayed down there to help them.

"I love you so much. I love you baby. Don't ever forget that okay? God, I love you."

The words were spilling from my mouth as the tears fell. A weight was sitting on my chest, suffocating me from the inside out. I couldn't breathe. This was not fair. It took us so long to get it together. To get together and be happy. Something always got in the way. We had only been together for 8 months. Only 8 months. We should have had years, many years. But instead we got months. Life was cruel. You think you have forever, but the truth is forever can be hours.

"_Matt."_

_I turned quickly. There she was. Her hair falling in curls on her shoulder. A short white flowy dress falling loosely around her body. _

"_Gabby!" I ran to her and pulled her into my arms. Hugging her to me tightly. I was never letting go again. I lifted her up and spun her around. My god it's really her. Her giggle filled my ears and all was right in my world. _

_I set her down and placed my lips on hers, kissing her with a fever that I never had before. _

_Her forehead rest against mine and she whispered. "Promise me you'll take care of yourself?" Her voice so soft and sweet. _

_Tears came to my eyes, she wasn't staying. She had to go again. "Gabs…"_

_She smiled at me softly and her hands ran through my hair. One resting on the back of my neck as the other caressed my check. God I had missed her touch. _

"_I'm always with you. Never forget that. You gave me the best 8 months of my life Matthew Casey. Don't ever doubt that, okay?"_

"_Why? Why did you have to go?" I pleaded the tears falling. _

"_I didn't have a choice, baby. But you gotta stay strong for me alright. I'll be by your side every step of the way." _

_I could only nod. "I love you, so much Gabby. I will never stop loving you."_

"_I love you too Matt, more than anything. Don't ever doubt that." She kissed me then. One on each cheek, the nose, the forehead, before her lips finally landed on mine. _

_She started to walk away, and I wanted nothing more than to be able to go with her. She turned when she was a few feet away and a beautiful smile graced her lips. _

_She held up her left hand. Her ring finger shining. "The answers yes, it'll always be yes. I'll wait for you baby."_

Gabby was my angel. She would always be my angel.

Years passed, but that dream always stayed at the forefront of my mind and some day's it was like I could feel Gabby with me. Helping me through the day to day activities, that at one point were so easy, but now without her seemed so much.

Every day was a challenge, some easier than others.

I'd like to be able to say I moved on, got over it, made a family.

But I didn't, and I was okay with that. I'd tried dating, it was hard, but I tried. And I came to the conclusion that I would never find the passion that Gabby and I had, and anything less than that would never be enough for me. Every girl would always be compared to Gabby, and if I'm being honest, they would have never come close, it wouldn't have been fair to them. She was a tough act to follow.

I still visit her grave at least once a month, usually more. I bring her flowers every holiday, and almost every visit. And sometimes I even crack a beer and sit with her while I drink. It's calming. To be there with her. You would think it the opposite, but it always gave me peace, sitting at her grave.

The ring box was sitting in my new apt. I couldn't go back to where we had started our lives together. But the ring box was all I had. The ring was on her finger. Because I knew that was where it belonged.

She would have said yes that day.

Gabriella Dawson changed my life from the moment I met her. She had become my best friend quickly. We had just clicked from the onset. Somewhere along the line she became my world. And I will never question that because I wouldn't want it any other way.

I learned since her death not to worry about the 'what-ifs' because they won't get you anywhere. You can't turn back time, and you can't rewrite the past. You're given one life and what you do with it is your choice.

I wish I would have made her mine earlier. That we would have had years and years together, but I learned not to regret anything. Because we may not have had years, but I wouldn't give up those 8 months we had for anything.

_I smiled as I saw her standing there. It had been 12 years since the last time, and this time it was final. _

_She was still as beautiful as ever. _

_She ran to me and launched herself into my arms and I spun her around as I held her tight. _

_She kissed me hard before she pulled away, resting her forehead on mine. "I've been waiting for you."_

_I smiled at her and placed a loving kiss to her lips. Four familiar words coming to my head, I couldn't think of any better time to reuse them than now. _

"_It's our time now."_


End file.
